Too far away.

i feel one day you'll go away, might find someone better than me, who understands you more easily. I feel so stupid sometimes i can't even understand my own girlfriend. Can't even give a sense of safety and tell you everything will be alright. Our love is like forbidden, we ate the apple tree and now pandora box open. But the problem is you suffer, if so i shouldn't let you into our world, cause you so much pain and suffering. The love is far away, we only can wait till i come back, see the image of your face so blur on my computer screen, can't tell you how i feel properly. Can't talk to you properly. When bad things happen to you i'm not there for you, that's the worst. Everyday i wish you were here with me. Every time i go to another country or city i always wish u were here to see with me. But the truth is you're not here, so i only can use materialistic means. But still have to wait till i'm back before i can give you. Sorry my love, please wait for me to come back so i can hug you again. I know it's frustrating for you too, you think that i wont be able to truly understand you, that our worlds are too different. Maybe if everything was different, you could still continue to be happy like you always were, your problems would always never overcome your positive outlook on life. Never once i saw you be sad for more than a day, even if it was so bad, you still smiled. I was there, i saw how sad you were that time, but u still smiled even after everything. Now anything between us happen, you would be sad whole day, let the negativity overwhelm you, and make your life so sad. I always feel that when you are sad, it's always my fault, that i can't do what a boyfriend should be doing: making his girlfriend happy. And not by being the one who will help avoid the problem, but the one who can make the pain go all away, not be the one who causes it in the first place. Cos when everything is over, reality will still come back and sadness will come again. And then the process will repeat. But the problem is i'm not there now to lend u a shoulder to cry on, not there to hug you, not there to tell you that everything will be ok. I also got my problems here, I suffer also, but to see you suffer is worse than mine. I'm a man, i can carry my burden with me it's no problem. But a man's duty is to carry his burden as well as shoulder his love one's burden also. I only can feel your pain, but i cannot take it away. I could take it away, but it would cause us so much pain. You suggested it once to me before, when i hear those words from you i thought everything we fought for would be lost. But we still persevered on. Now we are almost our 4th month already. By time i come back it'll be our 6th month. I can shoulder all the pain for us, till i come back. Cos im the stupid one who leave u behind.. i'm sorry. Make you suffer so much, bring you into this world. Everyone always tell me you are immature, and im a big bad wolf. They say that you too kiddy, how to be girlfriend. I tell them to shut up. Last time i also see you as a girl, but you are same age as me, then im just a boy? yeah correct we are only teenagers, we don't know the world, we still got so much more to live and love. Who are they to judge when they are also about our age? I always believe no matter what, we will eventually get older and matured. So why u wanna waste your time to get older then do the things u wanted to do when u were young? Maybe by then you'll give up those dreams of youth and eventually die with regrets of not doing what u wanted to do. They say it's stupid, categorising these stuff as YOLO. nonsense they are not living life, they are only criticizing life. Those that think we cannot make it, you cannot judge us. no one in the world can judge anything about you or us as long as they're not inside the story of our book. You don't know everything that had happened before and after, you don't know the feelings we had, the hardships we faced, the ups and downs of everything, even all before the first page of our story, so many things happened. Who are you to judge whether it is right or wrong? My own dad told me, ' do what u want, no one can stop you . This is your life, not even i have the right to stop you.' It's because if you continue following what others tell you to do, you will be only living another person's life, not your life. And the day you're on your death bed you'll think of everything that you wished you did, all the regrets. Even my own nai nai tell me in chinese "现在这么老了，想回以前，为什么我们年轻时候这么笨，只听父母亲话，没有想过自己要做的事。" Then i asked her if she really had a chance what she would do, she replied,“现在都老了，要想回以前要做的事都不知道啦。”　then she tell me, “你年代很幸福，要做什么都可以，不要浪费。”　I really love my grandmother and grandfather. As im typing what she told me really makes me miss them, makes me wanna cry now. I'm very homesick. Stuck here, everyone will tell you how lucky you are, to go to overseas to see the world. But in the end home is where the heart is. You go overseas is to see how lucky you are, open your eyes to a new world. So its really an irony, I honestly can't say either i'm more happy or more sad. Coming back to this, I only wish that your heart and mind stay strong, for you and for us. I only wish i can tell you how much i love you now.