Friendship Over! YES.i.would.do.the.same.

"Down" Jason Walker

It speaks to a lot of my friends now, including me. x100.

Strangers Again.

You were the one person i didn't want to be strangers with, but as time passed by it seems that we are slowly becoming strangers to one another.

A Question For You.

We seek salvation in despair, only to find happiness at the end of the road. But once that happiness is taken away, only thus the cycle will continue, this as such is life. But those who are of the sought salvaged, will there not be an end, nor a start, to you and your life? And as such i ask of who's significance those who are the salvager or those of the salvaged?

If i meet God i will ask him as such, i sought the answer to the question i impose, cos this is one of the many situations i face in my daily life, being at the receiving end of things, so i want to answer myself if being the stagnant being is good, to those that i help salvage their situation, it is good for them, but what about me? I need answers, i do not only want to live my others, i need to live for myself, it's not about the question of time managing, it's of the proportion of time given to myself and others. I don't need the time, I had lived without it, only to cause mental damage to myself. So a question of 'need' & 'want' is still a vast point of view from anyone to come in contact with my situation. 

Ok, only during a question to my face, where i question my sanity, my humble thoughts of long, many sleepless nights, thinking.. till when the day comes, i am stunned, dumbfounded, even crestfallen. How do i manage something of many thoughts when a single instant could take everything i've decided from me in a blink of an eye. I wish i had someone to whisper in my ear, that if all those thoughts and decisions i have made were all right or wrong. Of course there isn't a right nor wrong answer, but i'd rather have an assurance rather than a retard sound of breath through the other phone, 'sighing' every time my decisions have all been questioned. Saddens how small and insignificant my thoughts are, to those that can manipulate the world with their thoughts, mine are those of a peasant, unable to even control my own. I had thought i've seen it from all angles, I guess the heart prevents you from going to even the tightest of angles, only to get brought down to my knees, once again.

Here we go again..

Animals- Neon Trees. 

 

I really am.

I am reading the bible. And my aircon isn't on.

Possible.

I might make it through.

Finally had time to myself after months.. Finally went to gym after sooo long . den had alone time slowly go take bus 45 to ubi register driving test date. 3rd Aug! woohoo. while waiting at least 1 hour, i study Thermofluids. First time studying .. actually cos scared the stupid teacher say common test will be on wk 8.. so better study now first. had 1hr to study in bus too. Like my senior said," 2 hours everyday to and fro study is actually enough already." Yeah honestly i agree with him... not also by the fact he already complete A lvls den go poly so poly is like chicken feet to him lah.. but poly really slack sia. hear my classmate last time all straight A's now GPA as bad as me i also like 'wtf' .

Week 6 liao. Must study! Jiayou jeremy, tahan dun go start Dota lah.. almost started lucky nobody host just now.. lol.

Greatest Marriage Proposal EVER!!!

TRULY ONE OF THE BEST MARRIAGE PROPOSALS EVER.

GREAT TO THOSE FIANCÉ THAT IS A MOVIE MAKER LOL!

I HOPE TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT WITH MY LINE OF CAREER.

Life is Disappointing Me. I am Disappointing Life.

I am very sad now.. The recent days were one of the most horrible days of my life. I always thought how my limits were, how far it would take me before i would crumble and cry. Yes i cry. I am not afraid to say it anymore, i have been crying for d last few days.. and no it's not a matter of sitting in my room and crying.. it's an outburst of stress and anger and anguish when im toking to people who care about me till i just tipped over my limit till the tears just started streaming down my face. That was how bad it was, that is how bad it is now.

If people said that they had their limitations, then what comes after going pass their limits?

I have a choice, to move forward, to push my limits forward and see how much this can take me, or just forget everything..

It's not running away, it's just a realization that you don't need some people and their crap.

It is true. I don't need nonsense in my life.  BUT i chose them. I had picked them, i had the choice to back out. BUT why didn't I? i thought i could handle it. i thought it would just pass. Maybe it would, but the effects it causes me after it happens just doesn't pass, it haunts me ...

I thought i was strong... I thought i could do it... I feel really weak now.. I know i have friends, family, my loved ones.. I really do love you all. But i am at such a limit that tears could pass off as tears of yawning. I might sound like a fucking gay and a little cunt crying like a dog. But i have really pass my limit. I don't know if any of you can notice.. But everyday since the first day of my role as a Dance Captain.. Or maybe even before that, i was on my verge. Everything came out finally on monday.. But i chose not to say anything.. i kept in confinement to those that knows my issue. I'd rather not tell my other friends.. I know they won't really help me.. and i hate to say why i am so upset.. I tried telling my dad and sis.. it ended with them telling me how idiotic i was to care so much abt this.. I teared so fucking hard my dad walked away. They have known me for 18 years.. they know how sensitive i am.. I still don't think they know my situation. Maybe they do. Advices i am hearing now are related, some aren't. But what's the point of listening when nothing happens? I am dying inside slowly. I have pass my limits, i am wishing, praying, that i havn't pass to the point of no return. I wish I had someone who understands me now.. To hold me close and tell me everything will be alright. Cos everything is not alright now.

I know some of u feel that u are to blame for all my sorrows.. Don't be.. it's just accumulated stress.

And some of you who don't know that you are to blame for my sorrows.. I am just very disappointed in you.

 

 

Salvation.

If belief and salvation is true, then your best friends are God.

 Had it rough ysd. Took its final toll on my mental being. Even before my physical self is already affected. But it was the final turn. Had a really bad beating by everyone last night, even in the afternoon i was already overcoming a great amount of stress from school work and friends issue. It has happen time and time again till i thought i couldn't care anymore. I guess my heart didn't feel the same. Cos in the end it all came pouring down. That incident in the Clubroom, it was really alright, i had no plans on doing anything, i just wanted to go home and sleep it off, knowing the next day it would be a holiday and i would feel utterly f-ed. But after it happened, i felt much better, not by the fact that i finally cracked, everyone knows i have my problems, but no one knows how far to the extend it was . They said no one was there to comfort them when it was their outburst period, so it gave me a sense of happiness to know there are people who actually cares, and no i dun think u all r not close to me, i treat all my friends the same. 

The beating i get from last sat and ysd was really fucking my mind really bad.. really really bad.. i just couldn't handle the role given to me and the critisms. I really could just drop everything, cos now i couldn't give a half ass shit about anything. i just wanna complete my diploma, i honestly dun need all these in my life. But i chose it, and i dun give up, but there is always times when i wanna, which is now too. FML i always overthink stuff. 

You bloody sohai come call me after u tok 2 ty, cibai u sitting next to me now singing MLTR's Paint My Love, singing the words b4 the song lol. Dunno if u know but just before u called me to stay over i was fking moody, den u stay over my house wanna make peace, 'it's like a place i've known'. If u're reading now, u should know that everyone got their problems now, and the bonds we all have now are like one big dick, without the testicles, the dick cannot shoot, and u r the big dick btw. (worse example ever.)

DPE IMPACT PART 4.wmv

mine starts at 8:22. Im the singer btw. Oh man so many pitching error. I loved it only from bridge onwards lol. legs were shaking mad with keegan making a lot of chords mistake at the start with my pitch errors n horrid syncro, lol at least got it right as it progressed. I'm satisfied for my first solo singing performance of my life.

DPE Impact.

Done, finally another event complete. Looking back, doesn't matter to me anymore whichever part i was in. All i knew is that i had d spotlight and rockstardom for 3 minutes in front of 100over ppl was awesome. Honestly, part 2 is so much easier, no stress, i sang very smoothly, maybe cos no stress. Thank goodness i didn't go out of range. Practice was horrible, i felt horrid for the whole day. Only during performance i could sing properly. And it was the best part of the day.

And no idea why i had scars on my leg.. maybe everything i felt hurt my leg cut once. Lol. what rubbish.

Good Night Rockstar.

Officially a Dance Captain in BE. 

happy, tired, pissed at how fked up 1st event went through cos of some dickless fuck. I get my certificate i am happy enough.

Thank god i made a right decision to stay past 9.45pm. I end up do impromptu singing wif keegan for my friends cos they all waited for me to sing whole night. and we just arranged how to start my song so just ran through it without mic cos soundmen all keep mic liao. Best thing was David Lim was still there and was mighty impress with my performance. He said put it to part one, where all the VIPs will be watching, instead of part 2, which i'll perform for my peeps only. THANK GOD i stayed man. 

Go back BE like go back hell, so stressful. Lucky stayed till 10pm just now, go back damn bloody fked up atmosphere. And no thanks to the dickless fuck lah. Not our prob anyway, just let her bitch all she wants, complain we will take the bullet, but that'll be the last bullet you shoot. So fucckkkkkkk offf bitchhhhh. yay.

i feel things will get worse. The minute stuff happening now are foreboding on whats to come. not like it's the first time. Nvm who gives a shit liao. My Life, My choice.

i dun care but i wanna say.. best friends are those that give their time to each other, not expect time to be taken from them, if u dun wanna give your time to others, dun expect any back Complain all you want, but friendship is an investment, I have done my part, what's yours?

Foreboding?

Finally a committee member. So many conflicts, but has justice come out right? I won't know. Life doesn't present to you in a cupcake. U gotta bite the dust to get to the cupcake. I am where i am now for doing what i had to. Now let the future unfold. Might it be a cake to throw at my face, only time can tell.

Decision.

Decision Made, Voices heard.  I am dropping DPP. 

Never Stopped Loving, Just Stopped Showing.

Everybody's got something they had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back or wondering (or wondering)
How it could be now or neither been (or neither been)
All this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go

I never had a dream come true
Till that day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where love takes me to
A part of me will always be with you

Somewhere in my memory I lost all sense of time
Amd tomorrow can never be
'Cause yesterday is all that fills my mind
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it should be now or neither been (or neither been)
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go

You'll always be the dream that fills my head
(Yes you will, say you will, you know you will, baby)
You'll always be the one I know (I'll never forget)
There's no use looking back or wondering (or wondering)
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try
I just can't say goodbye
No no no no

A part of me will always be with you...


never stopped loving, just stopped showing.. i am trying .. the song speaks my heart. i am at a loss now. i bring my sorrows out in song and lyrics.. hoping u would listen to me sing my voice and my heart to you..

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

...My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. 

...CEO's are now playing miniature golf. 

...Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. 

...A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced. 

...I saw a Mormon with only one wife. 

...The bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," and you call them to ask if they meant you or them. 

...Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. 

...My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so the Church re-possessed her! 

...A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. 

...When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now share a room. 

...Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear! 

And, finally... 

...I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and, when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, asked if I could drive a truck.

If you're happy and you know it sing a song.

Fucked up week. everyday go school like go hell and  come back only. At least 2day was something that i was really looking forward to. Which was the Sound Card audition.

I had been questioning myself on whether to believe in fate. I now know that fate is not for anyone else to decide for you. 

Asking people around me if they believed in fate or destiny. Some do some don't. I had believed that it wasn't fated for me not to join soundcard. a lot of attempts had been made but it seemed to always fail due to some reason. I was even planning not joining this audition but before that i had told my friend i wanted to join and asked him to follow me. Ended up when i was skeptical of going and telling him how fate bring me to my conclusion he just said that 'fate is rubbish, i'd never believe in those crap.' So yeah, end up i went instead.

I had no proper selection to my song choice cos the previous song choice i made wasn't able to be performed cos i had a sore throat, so i decided to improvise with beatboxing. Haha i had a good time recapping my old beatboxing moves. Ended up just did like 30 secs worth of beatboxing though. Other than that, my friend performed his number first while i went second. I ended up singing their song choice, which was 'You Raised Me Up' . which thereafter i did my beatboxing.

After deciding within 2 mins, i was recalled back while my friend wasn't. I felt kinda bad, but the ironic part i'll get to it later. I was told to sing 'I Believe I Can Fly' . I sang the chorus and they seemed impressed. I knew i was going in. So after finalizing, my friend was recalled and sadly rejected. After that i went in again. They told me i sang parts they liked very much while some they didn't. But overall they liked my tone. And asked me to improve as the new batch of guys has unique tones like me too. With that, "Congratulations, you are in Sound Card." One of the Best Moments since i entered NYP.

Anyway the ironic part was that my friend initially didn't want to join SC. But cos of me he thought of just trying out, since a friend from SC also asked him to try out too. Ended up he became more nervous than me during the audition and when he didn't make it through, he got damn emo. which then he said,''......bloody hell just come here to try out for fun end up i like damn sad only lah.. should have sang another song instead....." 

tml DPE performance rehearsal, throat still sore, (was worsen by SC audition but worth it lah.) looking forward to it though. Felt bad for causing the cup to be broken. I had my reasons for taking the mrt instead too. Maybe i was overthinking too. haiz nvm lah. mars boy won't understand venus boy. 

Patently Asinine.

No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come trueeeeee ♥ (:

about an hour ago ·  · 


how i wished it was true. For me to be waiting , and for u to be liking.

I just realized i am like you, being sucked back into the cycle once again.
Only difference is you had the happy ending. 

silence.

I hear the silence. The bloody cold water. such oxymoron. such nonsense. sick. bored. mono. irritated.

Listening to Avril Lavigne songs, picking out a good song to emo on throughout the night.
Watched Thor again for the 2nd time.. Slept half of the time, but at least caught the 'after-credits' section. but missed the last train, so had to take the bus back. Even read my calculus book in the bus. wow.

damn............... wrote down a lot of stuff just now but blogger fucked up saving the post. nvm it can wait the next time i become emo again................................................. sobs.

Meet Jade, look what you've done.

Meet Jade. She apparently killed herself three days after making this video.. . What has happened to her, nobody knows.

it's damn sad.. she's so pretty too. and life doesn't end in high school.... u've only lived barely 10% of ur live and such small things is not gonna affect u till u die if u allow it to. I've suffered too, but i dun let it get the best of me. i've friends that gets the same kinda treatment too. being called bitch and stuff. now she's doing damn well in school. haiz. saddens me how people takes things so seriously . if it was me i would fuck those people inside out. make sure they don't fuck with me at all. my dad teach me,''If there's a way to settle stuff, make a proper agreement. but if there is just no settling it, u make sure u win the fight. and make sure the other person can't stand up from it afterwards, if not he's gonna fuck u back next time. ''

3000!

3000 views , it's stupid but small stuff like this makes me happy lol. and no i'm not a cyber freak who checks the number of view i have everyday.. 

reading other people blogs make me so sad. it's like blogs are there to talk about the sadness.. which is also d reason i started it anyway.. so no arguments there.. it's just like Mike Posner 's interview.. they asked him if he made songs base on his friends, would it piss them off. His response,"Yeah it would, and it did. when a single is made, everyone is so paranoid if the song is talking about them." Yes exactly what blog does.. 

u read it, u feel it.. "damn it all..is it me he's talking about?" and i'm not saying it's a bad thing.. but there's a difference in gaining a fact directly or indirectly.. u might realise that, that person is pissed off at you but he won't tell u in the face, yet u knew it indirectly.. how will u respond then? it's not so simple as in a punch in the face if u're pissed, cos the person ain't there. instead, it's an accumulation of anger till u c that guy again then till u punch him.. wouldn't that just be even worse?

But i'm not telling anyone to bombard me the next school day saying how fucked up i am lah.. it's just a personal opinion of views . everyone got problem u know? dun need to dishearten urself for others.. i feel the best friends are those that don't share ur burden but just embrace it and support u instead, instead of going into the matter.. Like what i've learnt from a friend over Teh-O & 3 hours of chit-chatting. 

"Friends with Benefits."

I've not know if everyone falls under that category. I know some are, to me. But there's a very very very fine line between those 'with benefits' and those 'without'.

I just hope u r not the one 'with benefits'.



dreamt of her last night.. it was a damn nice dream.. amidst all the zombies inside my dream.. u were there to make the dream the best i've ever had.. fuck my life.. i still love u so much... my right hand hurts fucking a lot now..   i wished the dream was a reality.. i wanna do all those things in the dream..