Internal Struggle.

The burden of the body aching to do that perfect move, to fight like mad, waste all those hard earned money, just to throw them away for that few minutes of stiff smiles and heighten self-awareness.

I feel that it is too taxing, not to the body; i love the feeling of aches after spending hours, but the waste of mental exhaustion asking myself constantly if it is worth it at all. Like it literally isn't. 

Why didn't i just do like adventure club or smt, climb mountains, hike, canoeing or whatever. Ending up learning how to put make up, wearing tight-ass (literally) stuff. The only kick i get is the response i get when i tell people about it.

In any case, i think it wouldn't have mattered even if i had a life partner = dance partner. 

Internal Struggles are real.

http://kissmanga.com/Manga/Ballroom-e-Youkoso/Vol-010-Ch-044--Contained-v002?id=384098

Today was one of the most sudden and unexpected events of my life. Who'd knew it would happen like this. From anxiety to relieve to sadness in a few hours. Why did you have to leave us so soon.. Somehow my sister feels like it's her fault that we did not realise the severity of not removing her uterus. My dad and sis are so devastated, to lose so many family in less than a year is taking it's toll. It's not me, but seeing my family like this really breaks my heart. Seeing my dad, someone on the outside having a strong front, breaking down at the sight of the motionless being that brought us so much joy over the last couple of years. Something that from a 'no' to a family member. 

It's not like my grandparents that we were already expecting their passing for many months even years. This kind of sudden loss its too hard to comprehend. Even now I have to remind myself that she is not lying down next to my parents on her bed looking at my parents with a wag of her tail waiting for someone to go to her and sayang her. Too much.. praying to God for a miracle only for that fulfillment to last only a few hours.. Fucking heartbreaking.. I don't know how many changes to my family before we all break. 

In death there's life, in life there's love. To love is to know there'll be death. But to choose love over death is evermore. Reminisce the Halcyon Days. 

In Between.

I know you are hurting when i dont give my time to you.

But i dont have time.

When i need to choose between my family and girlfriend, who do i pick?

When weekdays are so confined and weekends are so precious, who do i give my Sundays to?

When after over strenuous activities all i want is just a hot bath and good sleep, i try to accommodate to you. 

Why is it that you get angry so easily? When i don't have the luxury of time. When you have the luxury but don't spent it wisely, only to start thinking of how we can spend those times together, i appreciate it, but the sentiments cannot be achieved, when reality is as such. 

Reality rarely goes according to plan. Never have i believe that my family are as reliable, as a whole, to allow me to allocate my time to them. But i try. Yet on the other spectrum, my time for you is endless. Even when i can meet you, you say its not enough. When we have that few hours together, you say its not proper. But what is proper? There isn't any good time for it. 

Now i finally have the time for something proper, but it's already 3am. And nothing good happens after 2am.